Instead I'm feeling greatly depressed.
I don't wanna grow up. I hate responsibility. You can go ahead and tell me "oh you'll adapt, don't worry" all you want, but I tell you it's not gonna happen. I wasn't designed to take control of my own life. I was designed to receive my life as it happens to me. I can't think of one thing that's happened in my life on my own initiative. Everything either initiated itself or someone else suggested I do it.
I know I'm not entirely alone in having just graduated from college without a shred of a lead to a real job. But I never hear huge success stories about such people who do eventually find great jobs, so I don't have much of a reason to feel optimistic. Every job I've had so far has fallen into my lap. I've never successfully sought out a job entirely on my own, so I don't even know what that's like. I'm trying - I've submitted resumes to a few places but purely out of desperation, not interest.
I can't find a single job offer out there that looks at all appealing. They all require skills or experience I don't have. One of the main ones being communication skills. Of course I realize EVERY job out there these days requires communication skills, duh, but that's exactly my point. I'm not cut out for ANY of those jobs. I'm just not the person for these types of positions that require things like the ability to prioritize tasks, coordinate efforts, blah blah blah... all business bullshit.
I need to find a job that makes use of my unique abilities without requiring me to do typical bullshit I can't do. But unfortunately, no such job would be listed in job listing anywhere because that's the nature of the job - it's not a typical job. So how on earth am I supposed to find it without any people contacts?
Meanwhile there's no structure to my day. Aside from paying bills with my dwindling savings that won't last more than another month, there's no schedule being forced on me. So I go to bed when I feel like it - usually between 3am and 6am, and wake up when I'm damn well good and ready, usually between 1pm and 3pm... try to pretend I'm accomplishing something when instead somehow throughout the entire day all I've managed to do is feed myself boring food, watch TV and waste time on the computer. Most people would kill to have the kind of freedom I have right now - freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. What really upsets me is that with all this freedom, this is what I end up doing - nothing!
This is an impossible situation.
I feel like I'm destined to die in some sort of freak accident because I surely can't picture any sort of a future for a person like me.
Maybe I should just do fate a favor and kill myself now.