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There's a great big sucking sound coming from the vicinity of my life right now. Funny, I always thought graduation from college would be something to look forward to. Something I should be excited about. A milestone to celebrate.

Instead I'm feeling greatly depressed.

I don't wanna grow up. I hate responsibility. You can go ahead and tell me "oh you'll adapt, don't worry" all you want, but I tell you it's not gonna happen. I wasn't designed to take control of my own life. I was designed to receive my life as it happens to me. I can't think of one thing that's happened in my life on my own initiative. Everything either initiated itself or someone else suggested I do it.

I know I'm not entirely alone in having just graduated from college without a shred of a lead to a real job. But I never hear huge success stories about such people who do eventually find great jobs, so I don't have much of a reason to feel optimistic. Every job I've had so far has fallen into my lap. I've never successfully sought out a job entirely on my own, so I don't even know what that's like. I'm trying - I've submitted resumes to a few places but purely out of desperation, not interest.

I can't find a single job offer out there that looks at all appealing. They all require skills or experience I don't have. One of the main ones being communication skills. Of course I realize EVERY job out there these days requires communication skills, duh, but that's exactly my point. I'm not cut out for ANY of those jobs. I'm just not the person for these types of positions that require things like the ability to prioritize tasks, coordinate efforts, blah blah blah... all business bullshit.

I need to find a job that makes use of my unique abilities without requiring me to do typical bullshit I can't do. But unfortunately, no such job would be listed in job listing anywhere because that's the nature of the job - it's not a typical job. So how on earth am I supposed to find it without any people contacts?

Meanwhile there's no structure to my day. Aside from paying bills with my dwindling savings that won't last more than another month, there's no schedule being forced on me. So I go to bed when I feel like it - usually between 3am and 6am, and wake up when I'm damn well good and ready, usually between 1pm and 3pm... try to pretend I'm accomplishing something when instead somehow throughout the entire day all I've managed to do is feed myself boring food, watch TV and waste time on the computer. Most people would kill to have the kind of freedom I have right now - freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want. What really upsets me is that with all this freedom, this is what I end up doing - nothing!

This is an impossible situation.

I feel like I'm destined to die in some sort of freak accident because I surely can't picture any sort of a future for a person like me.

Maybe I should just do fate a favor and kill myself now.

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you need a celebration

Keep the snow away - eat some spaghetti - talk with a friend. Time to celebrate. It's not impossible, just difficult to do on your own.

You have a great future ahead of you, you just need to take it one step at a time. As I read in another Leg's journal, and she was quoting a writer Gabriel Garcia Marquez, "I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is in how it is scaled." Don't rush to the end of your journey, take it one step at a time and enjoy the scenery on the way.

Re: you need a celebration

Thanks, but.. did you forget snow makes me happy? :)

The problem isn't that I don't know what I need. I know what needs to happen in order to fix my depression. I just have no idea where to find it.

Re: you need a celebration

No, I didn't forget. I just wanted good driving weather so you could go out and eat spaghetti

Re: you need a celebration

Ah. Well when I go out to eat, I try to eat things that I don't normally make for myself at home. :)

That sounds kinda the situation I think will happen to me when I graduate. =P

Re: Sounds familiar

Well hurry up and graduate so at least we don't need to go through it alone. :-P

The "Real" World

My graduation was a similar experience. Everyone who came to see me graduate was happy, and most of the graduating class. Meanwhile, I was unhappy as it can get. I have a picture of me getting my diploma, and walking off the stage, both are with sad no faces. I didn’t even bother to look at my family as I was walking up to the stage (they were in sight), cuz I just felt that it was no big deal. I felt relieved to have a friend of mine who was in the same boat as I. A few months after graduation she got a job at a company that I had already interviewed with months before graduation, and I felt like there was no hope. She even tried to get me another interview with the company. I think that might have been my lowest point.

It took me awhile to get over it all. A friend had even told me once after I told him that I was happy that day, that that was really unusual for me. Just him saying that got me to re-exam my life, and try to get it back on track. It’s already six months after graduation, and I still have days where I think I’m not going anywhere, and I’m just one day closer to death and not really *living*. I have a part-time job that I hate, but I have to look at the bright side. I get to live with my parents while looking for a “real” job, and I don’t have to have a crummy full-time job. And it’s given me a chance to really look at who I am, and what I’m looking for in a job and a company.

I’ve had the same experience with jobs falling into my lap, and not really knowing what to do about going after one. I’ve had similar experiences with resumes and finding appealing jobs. I’m determined to find a job though. I’ve looked in newspapers, and a lot of online sources, such as Careerpath, America’s Job Bank, and professional societies and organization listings. One online source I wouldn’t look at is monster.com I never got anywhere with that site.

What else can I say? I just hope that helps.


Re: The "Real" World

Who are you?

Sounds like we have a bit in common. Thanks for the reply. :) I sure hope I don't end up moving back in with my parents. If I was in the dorms that might happen since they'd kick me out, but right now I'm in my own off-campus apartment. Only problem is the rent is $635 and I can only pay for another month out of savings so I need a job very soon.

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