Dan Price (thwack) wrote,
Dan Price

I was just reading an e-mail from a friend telling me about her plans for vacation (or desire to make them) and it got me thinking... one of my biggest problems in life is that I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah, that's right. What, you knew that? Shut up. I just found out. Why didn't you tell me?

Well I guess I don't need to explain it to you then, huh. At least that's what you think. Right? Is that what you think? Is it? Is that...

I'm gonna explain it anyway. See, when I hear people talking about planning a vacation, that just frightens me. I can't imagine ever planning a vacation, because I don't know how it's done. I wouldn't know what I'm doing.

Same thing goes for anything else I've never done. Throwing a party, buying a house, attending a funeral, buying my own clothes, holding a business meeting... I wouldn't know what I'm doing in any of those situations which many people just take for granted. They can just be themselves and figure it out. I can't. I'd have to try to pretend to be normal and figuring it out, but I can't do that either. I can't pretend to know what I'm doing. What, you think there's something wrong with using the word "can't"? Can't can't can't. CAN NOT.

I also can't set goals for myself. I can't decide what to do. (That's part of the vacation problem - I can't decide what I want to do.) My highest goal is to be normal. (Ok, so maybe I can set goals, but they're pathetic ones.) My next goal after that would be to be successful and live comfortably. Nice specific goals, aren't they?

I wanna be happy. But happiness is in the middle of a city that has tons of one-way streets that keep leading me away or around in circles. While everyone else knows exactly what series of streets and turns will take them there, to me every intersection is uncharted territory and I never see the same intersection twice so I can never learn it. The only way I'll get to the middle of this city is with a navigator. But only the successful guys can get navigators, so I'm S.O.L.

Why can't I just be normal?
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